Asking Your Friends or Family

Consulting An Asshole

1. They don't want to hurt your feelings and will respond with untruths.
1. I don't care about how you feel. I care about being honest with you.
2. Or they do want to hurt your feelings and will respond with untruths.
2. I don't care about how you feel. I care about being honest with you.
3. They are too interconnected to you to be unbiased and objective.
3. I don't know you. Don't wanna know you. My bias is towards truth. Since I don't know you I am as objective as humanly possible.
4. They might be motivated by ulterior motives you know nothing about.
4. My motives are to take your money and give you truth. End of story.
5. It's likely your “friends” and family secretly want you to fail. Failure loves company.
5. I want you to succeed. That's why I'm telling you the truth. Your failure doesn't benefit me emotionally or financially.

Traditional Business Consulting

Consulting an Asshole

1. Generates multi-hundred page reports with charts and graphs. No one ever reads them.
1. You get one audio file in which I explain the solution to your problem or answer your question.
2. Result in months or even years worth of billable time. Billable to you.
2. One billable hour or less.
3. Getting the final results can take months or years. Sometimes there are no final results. Resolution is never achieved.
3. Response time is usually less than 48 hours. You get a final solution which you can apply.
4. Designed to “foster an ongoing relationship between the client and the consultants”. This is a touchy-feely way of saying “get more of your money over a long period of time”.
4. Not interested in being your friend and having a relationship. Solve your problem and move on.
5. Asks your employees for the answers to problems, writes down those answers and takes credit for them. I know. I've seen it done. I told the consultants some of the answers.
5. Always gives credit where credit is due. For example the originator of the Asshole Consulting business model is Captain Capitalism.
6. Is run by people trying to send their kids to college and they bill accordingly.
6. I spend less than I make and bill accordingly. No college kids to pay for.
7. Doesn't really want to resolve problems because if they do so they eliminate the need for you to pay them.
7. I want to solve your problem and never communicate with you again. I am not your friend.

Why consult an Asshole?

I'm not your friend. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want more of your money. I have no emotional or financial reason to lie to you or mislead you. My reputation as an Asshole depends entirely upon telling you the truth in a way which you can apply to solve your problem.

How much does it cost to consult an Asshole?

$100 per hour. Payable in bitcoin or paypal. You may think that's expensive. You are wrong. Your problem will almost always take less than 30 minutes for me to solve.

I know you think your situation is unique and no one is the history of the cosmos has experienced it before.

You are wrong.

You are not a snowflake.

If you recognize you're are not a snowflake you life will instantly become easier.

That right there was a free sample of Asshole Consulting.

How does Asshole Consulting work?

  • Send me your problem, situation or question via email.
  • Details.
  • I will read it and email you back asking for any additional information I need and telling you what a solution will cost.
  • You pay me.
  • I send you the audio file via email and/or FTP download.
  • You apply the solution.
  • The problem goes away.
  • We never speak of this again.

"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth."

We all know the quote. I am not your friend yet I respect you for having the courage to seek and pay for the truth. As my client you will get the truth. Giving me money means you have purchased my absolute honesty and you will bloody well get what you pay for. I strive for 100% percent customer satisfaction.

What qualifies you to be an Asshole Consultant?

Is that a serious question? Read this page again.